Happy hump day Maharanis!  Our favorite male mind expert, Susan, is back to teach us about the most important communication topic : Listening.  

~~~

I have been learning about and studying men with PAX Programs Inc. since before my daughter was born.  We aren’t in the habit of male bashing in our house and I am quite proud of the fact that my little girls won’t grow up in a house that bashes and diminished men in any way.  It simply won’t be tolerated. My plan is to listen to their complaints and offer them something to think about and investigate themselves, rather than join in their complaints about men. 

You can imagine the horror when I, the trained workshop leader of Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, heard the following from my 5-year-old daughter.  We just left a play date with some boys she had not played with before.  I don’t exactly know what happened, but she was upset on the way home and said she didn’t want to play with them again.  I asked her why and she said in a very matter of fact tone, “They need to be trained!”  I said, “Why do you think that?”  She said, “They need to know how to play with girls.”

I couldn’t believe this was coming from my daughter.  We don’t teach this at home.  Where could she have possibly heard this?  Is it possible that it is ingrained at such a young tender age of 5?  Why do we as women think men need to change to accommodate us?  Why do we think it is our right to let them know how they “should” be?  

In our Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop we teach you to understand why men do what they do.  You will find out what to not take personally and how to deal with some of their most annoying behaviors.  We teach you how to love men for their differences.

One difference we really have a hard time with is their opinions.  When we do not share their opinion, it causes us torture and we desperately want to change them.  Most of the torture lies in the way we listen.  

Lets take a moment to look at how women usually listen to opinions.  Women survive by connection. When someone is expressing an opinion, we listen for connections.  We find these connections in points of agreement.  When we agree, we feel connected and have more affinity for the person we are listening to.  Then, we usually let them know we agree in hopes they will in turn have more affinity for us.  Sometimes, especially when we are trying to “catch a man”, we even pretend to agree, which creates distance.  It is very important to understand men don’t need us to agree.  However, it is torture for us to listen when we don’t agree with someone.  Instead of intimacy, we feel a distance, which is scary to us, because we thrive on intimacy.

Now, back to men and their opinions.  Men are always revealing themselves through their opinions.  His opinions reveal his values, knowledge, and things that are important to him.  Men take their values and add all the facts they have gathered over time and carefully form an opinion.  This is why older men have an abundance of opinions.  They have had a lot more time to gather facts and are very clear on what they value in life.  

If you want to get more value and information from listening to men’s opinions, then you need to get really good at something called, Listen to Learn.  Instead of listening our normal way, “Do I agree or disagree?” try listening to learn.  Listen for what is important to him.  What are his values? What matters to him?  

The first thing you should do when listening to a man’s opinion is to utilize the 30-second pause.  Men are like deep wells. Most of what we want to know about them is never revealed because we interrupt when they are scratching the surface.  They start telling us something and we interrupt by asking for clarification, agreeing, or sometimes even asking a completely different question when they haven’t had time to finish the one we just asked.  If you have just asked him a question and he is silent, try to wait 30 seconds and see how much he reveals. Silence does not mean he has nothing to say, it means he is thinking about your question.  Women often interrupt after he has just scratched the surface; we never get to hear what is deeper in the well.  If he pauses, remember the 30-second pause for yourself and give him a chance to provide additional information.  If he is finished and has nothing more to say, he will let you know.

Secondly, just listen.  Refrain from trying to come up with what you are going to say next.  This will prevent you from listening fully and understanding where he is coming from.  You can employ this tactic in any conversation.  I guarantee you will become a better listener and people will reveal more to you because you don’t interrupt them the minute they pause.

Another thing you need to do is remember to breathe.  We often have a very physical response when we don’t agree with someone.  It feels like we can breathe, our throat is closing, our temperature is rising, and we need to launch into a rebuttal immediately.  Take a breath; receive whatever he is talking about.  Remember Listen to Learn.  What is he revealing?  What is important to him?  What does this explain?  Maybe there is a good reason for his opinion.  

If you learn to listen this way, you will get to hear much more than the surface of his opinion. You will get to hear his commitments, dreams, and what he is truly passion about. 

Until then,

 
Susan Jensen

Workshop Leader, PAX Programs

 ~~~

Does anyone else feel like Susan is the fly on the wall in their home?  Seriously, everything she talks about seems to hit home.  Back in a bit!

Susan, from PAX Programs, is here today to spill the beans on what really gets men going.  So, her words of advise for today are, "Men get their juice from appreciation."  Not sure what that means?  Read on!

***

I am very pleased to share something with you today that can have a profound difference in how much help you receive from men.  Help is something we always want, however we don’t know how to inspire it in men.  When they do help us, we often aren’t grateful for what they provided, and sometimes we even tell them.  This makes them reluctant to help, and over time, they stop trying.  I highlight two stories below, which will show you what is possible when men are appreciated for their efforts.

Last month, I wrote about men and gift giving.  In the final paragraph, I mentioned that men get their juice from appreciation.  A dear friend of mine thanked me last week for including that statement.  She had been planning her annual holiday party and her husband was helping with her “to do” list each night when he came home from work.  She was thankful for reading the statement because it reminded her to appreciate him.  I had the pleasure of attending their beautiful gathering in which she personally acknowledged her husband right in front of me.  I got to see his chest puff up and his eyes ignite with satisfaction that his efforts didn’t go unnoticed.  I am certain that he will gladly help each year with whatever she needs because she remembers to make sure he is appreciated and more importantly, it is authentic. 

Today I was again reminded how important appreciation is.  I had a really rough day.  Along with it being the holidays and being completely behind on everything, we’ve sold our house and are in the process of figuring out our next living situation. This coupled with life’s daily challenges, especially with small children, had me in a bit of a holiday funk.  Well, needless to say, when our mortgage broker called asking us to take care of some paperwork that could potentially take a few hours out of my already overscheduled day, I lost it.

Unfortunately, my poor husband was then on the receiving end of my rant when I called him at work.  Of course, I should have known better than this since I know he is single focused at work and interrupting him for something that he actually can’t take care of at work is no good.  However, in my upset rant, I lost my ability to think clearly and decided to yell at him about things that were not his fault.  Thank goodness I was able to realize what I did and apologized while he was still on the phone – explaining to him about all the things I had going on.  Well, much to my surprise, I was completely BLOWN away twenty minutes later when I heard the door unlock.  He walked in and said, “I am here to help so you can get your things done.”  I stopped dead in my tracks and cried.  I will never forget that moment for as long as I live.  I couldn’t believe he actually left work to come to my rescue.  I felt so loved and supported in that moment.  All my troubles melted away.  

What this hopefully shows is that men love to help us.  The problem is we often don’t let them.  In the past, I would have probably been appreciative, but still told him I could take care of it.  Women are pleaser's, we don’t want to be too much of a bother to anyone.  We want to be the ones that please and we go about our day proving that we can do it all. However, we are usually upset in the process.  We are resentful that no one notices all that we are doing or gets up to help.  Men love to help and they will if you let them.  Let him help you and save you from all that overwhelms you. The reason Mort showed up to help is because he knew I would let him AND he knew his efforts wouldn’t go unnoticed.

He knew I would appreciate him.  

I can’t say enough about appreciation.  Men need it, they thrive on it, and they are drawn to those that appreciate what they have to offer.  When they help and it is appreciated, they want to help again and again.  Keep these things in mind when appreciating men:

    o Men like appreciation in the form of small acts – making his favorite meal, bringing him coffee, stocking his favorite foods in the refrigerator, surprising him with a date night to his favorite place, or scheduling a golf day for he and his friends.  If you don’t know how he likes to be appreciate, ask him.

    o As your relationship changes, how he feels appreciated will change too.  Make sure you check back with him to see if the things that made him feel appreciated a few years ago still do the trick.  

    o If you are going to appreciate him verbally, be authentic.  We often think, I could have just done it myself, or done it better.  So, when we appreciate, it doesn’t come off as authentic, it comes off gross…because, it is.  Just because you can do it too, doesn’t mean it didn’t help to get a break from doing it.  Appreciate him for how it did help you or the time it gave you to do something else.

    o The more you appreciate, the more you will be appreciated in return.  Since I learned how important appreciation is to men and decided I would take it on in my life, I get appreciated a ton in return.  My favorite is when I get a text thanking me for something after he has already left for work.  

    o If you aren’t feeling appreciated yourself, tell him.  Ask for appreciation when you need it.  Women talk a lot more than men, so it shouldn’t surprise you that we usually like appreciation in the form of words.  Every time I have to ask for appreciation, I find out Mort was thinking about it, he just didn’t think to verbalize it.  Now that I ask whenever I need it, he doles it out more generously.  

During the holidays, we get so caught up in our social engagements and shopping that we often forget to appreciate what goes on in our day-to-day lives.  Stop today and take a moment to appreciate the people that make a difference in your life.  

I wish you all a wonderful holiday season and a very Happy New Year!

For more information on men and helping, join me in San Francisco, February 5th/6th, 2011 for the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women Workshop. 

Until then,

 
Susan Jensen

Workshop Leader, PAX Programs

Dropping hints to my husband is always something that I have been terrible at.  I am so bad at it that around the holidays I take his credit card and treat myself to a new something something.  I have resolved that my husband, "Isn't good at gifts" and I have moved on.  Well, Susan Jensen, group leader of PAX Programs Celebrate Men, Satisying Women Workshop stopped by to tell me that (a) my husband is good at gifts and (b) I was just asking him the wrong way.  Well, I am putting her tips to the test and will report back after Christmas!

~~~

Did Diwali turn out the way you wanted, or were you disappointed?  When it comes to gift giving, we are often upset with the men in our lives for various reasons.  Sometimes we wish they were listening when we dropped several “hints” about our gift desires, or we find ourselves wishing they really “got” us so we didn’t have to drop hints.  Sometimes we even wish he was one of our girlfriends at gift giving time, because of course, she would know exactly what to get and pick one up for herself too.  If you were frustrated this past Diwali, put it behind you and focus on these simple steps for a happy and very Merry Christmas.  

First, consider you might get just as much, if not more, from giving as you do from getting. Ask the man in your life what he would like for Christmas so he can feel honored and appreciated.  Men get a lot of juice from appreciation, especially in the form of small acts (e.g. like baking his favorite holiday meal/treat, or buying it if you don’t cook).  

Second, remember whatever he provides for you on Christmas or any holiday is a GIFT.  If you expect certain things or have standards above what he is capable of providing, it won’t turn out well.  Expectations turn receivers into takers. The giver can now only submit or resist.  Submitting will often shut off any enthusiasm, creativity, or romance.  

Third, give him very specific details on what you would like to receive.  Here are some examples:

• Send an email with links to the exact product you want, including size, color, and any other pertinent information.  
• Create a folder with magazine cutouts of things you would like.  

Women often believe men should already know what we want for gifts.  However, the problem is how we communicate the information.  We either drop “hints” that he doesn’t get, or we talk about it at a time when he isn’t listening.  For more information on listening, see this article on Single Focus and asking for a time to talk.

Many women think telling him exactly what she wants takes all the fun out of gift giving.  Then, she is disappointed and unhappy when he doesn’t give her what she wants.  If he doesn’t know what you want, he will get you what you need, or what he thinks you need, like a new vacuum cleaner. We aren’t happy with that either and he is well aware that he has failed us.  Over time, a man will get defeated and feel like he can never live up to our expectations.  However, most of the time, this can be avoided by simply providing useful and specific information.  Remember that men are very literal.  You must be very specific, and I mean VERY specific.  I was very specific last year when I actually put the watch on hold that I wanted for my birthday.  My husband was working very hard and I thought I would save him some time and energy.  He usually spends more than the amount of the watch and I figured he would be creative and buy some additional presents.  On my birthday, I got the watch, just the watch.  After all, that is what I told him I wanted.  I should have been happy, however I ended up disappointed because I thought he would buy me something else too. I reflected and realized how literal men are.  Next time I will remember to tell him I would love to be surprised with some other gifts and give him a few ideas.  You can use this tactic if you are okay with your man being creative.  I happen to really like my husbands’ taste and trust his creativity.  If you don’t trust his creativity or you know being creative at gift giving is dreadful for him, do not torture him.  Make sure whatever you do, you set him and yourself up to win.   Men win when they have made us happy.  Set him up to win by making sure he knows exactly how to make you happy.    

Fourth, when he provides you with a gift, express appreciation for his efforts, even if they aren’t perfect.  Let him see how happy you are and he will want to give again and again.  Remember, men get juice from appreciation. If it wasn’t EXACTLY the one you wanted, reflect on whether or not you communicated specifically what you wanted.  If you realize you did not, make sure to communicate clearly next time.  For more information on men making you happy and setting him up to win in all aspects of your relationship, join me in San Francisco, February 5th/6th, 2011 for the Celebrate Men, Satisying Women Workshop. 

Until then,

 
Susan Jensen

Workshop Leader, PAX Programs

If you talk to anyone…moms, sisters, friends, therapists, they will all tell anyone, “Communication is the Key to a happy Marriage!”  Well, it took me a bit of time to figure out that the most important part of communication is listening, not actually speaking.  And, I mean, listening that is comprehensive and focused so it help you understand what the heck he is saying or where your groom is coming from.  So, I am thrilled that Susan, PAX workshop leader, has decided to spend this month’s topic on how men listen.  Take it away Susan!

~~~ 

Judging from every bride and groom I know (including myself), and every movie I have seen about how men and women relate to their wedding day, I am certain you have experienced some frustrationwith your man when expressing the details of the day. Whether you were giving him the play by play of each part of the day or sharing how upset you are with a bridesmaid, there were probably times you wish he could listen like your girlfriends do.

Men love listening to us, especially when we are really passionate about something. However, there are times when a man’s eyes will “glaze over” when we are talking. Remember, men are single focused. When they are listening to us, they are single focused on us. However, he is trying to figure out what to focus on. Sometimeswe give an amazing amount of detail and he can’t determine the focus of the conversation.

Default Listening #1: THE POINT

If the person a man is listening to is fine (i.e. not upset), he is listening for “the point” of the conversation. He is trying to remember all thathe is hearing. If we provide too many details that seem unclear or unrelated, he gets overwhelmed. This is when you will see his eyes glaze over and he often checks out.

No wonder the point is not clear to him, usually there is no point! We are simply trying to express our thoughts and ideas. We just want to be heard. However, we often end up feeling like he didn’t listen or doesn’t care enough to stay tuned in and engaged the way our girlfriends do. If you don’t want his eyes to glaze over, you need to spare him every tiny detail. Save that for your girlfriends. The women in your lives love to know things like what you were wearing and which store you were in when you decided on the invitations.That is all part of the lead up to the story about the invitations. For your man, he just wants to know which ones you picked. The point.

Default Listening #2: THE PROBLEM

If the person a man is listening to is upset, he is listening for, “What’sthe problem?” Men are natural problem solvers. If we are upset,they are compelled to solve our problem so we can be happy again.This is of course frustrating for us because we generally aren’t looking for the problem solver, we just want to vent. We need to get it out of our system and the best way to do that is to talk about it. When they interrupt us by trying to solve the problem, we feel likethey aren’t listening to us. We could be ranting and raving about how a vendor isn’t giving us what we asked for and they are searching the conversation for the problem. While we may eventually want his help, for now, we just need him to feel sorry for us. Sometimes, we just need to cry.

If the problem is not clear to him, he will ask clarifying questions. Have you thought about this? What about trying that? This is even more frustrating because generally we have already thought about the things he is suggesting, however we haven’t gotten around to telling him that part because he is SO BUSY INTERRUPTING US! While he is simply trying to fully understand the problem so he can help solve it, we often take offense to his clarifying questions. Doe she really think I couldn’t come up with that on my own? Does he think I am stupid? Of course, I already thought of that!! Ugg, why do I even bother? Might as well talk to my girlfriends. They listen!

While his ways of listening may cause you frustration, there is hope…

Tips for a different kind of listening:

• If you are telling him a story, train yourself to get to the point with quality information – spare the details. If you see his eyesglazing over, you are about to lose him. What is it that youreally want to communicate? Say your main points quickly.

• If you are upset or need to vent, ask for a different kind of listening. Ask him to “hold the trash” while you vent. He canpretend to hold an imaginary trashcan while you “empty yourbasket” or “dump”. There is no point, there is no problem to solve, you just need to vent.

• If you do want his help solving a problem, try asking in a newway. “I have a problem that I need your help with. I havealready tried A, B, and C. Now, what do you think I can do?”

Remember, men love listening to us. We will have much better results if we learn how to communicate in a way that doesn’t overwhelm the men in our lives.

Until then,

 
Susan Jensen

Workshop Leader, PAX Programs

We have a fun filled day planned on MW today, and Susan Jensen, a workshop leader for PAX Programs, is back to talk to us about one of our favorite topics to obsess about : Men! I think that you all are going to really fine today's article useful.  I know it totally applies to my husband – 100%! 

~~~

I am so excited to share this topic with you because it is one of my very favorite things to teach about men.  It is something so incredibly simple, but gets in the way of a lot.  I have had men thank me for saving their marriage.  Before their wife knew this information, each night was a struggle.  

Does these scenarios sound familiar? You think about him all day, you can’t wait for him to walk in the door, and then, he chooses TV over you.  Do you ever sit down to dinner and your partner says, “How was your day?”  You immediately become irritated because you already told him all about your day when he walked in the door.  Was he completely ignoring you?  Does he care?   

There is something men need that will explain all of this.  Men need Transition Time.  Men are always single focused on producing a result.  He moves from one result to the next.  The time between producing results is called Transition Time.  It is when he is getting ready for his next engagement.  Very important to remember, he is still single focused.  He is single focused on transitioning.  Women at work often make the mistake of trying to catch a man between meetings or phone calls to discuss something. However, does this usually go well?  No, we don’t get the answer or the depth of answer we were looking for.  It is much better to schedule time to talk when you can be his single focus.  

Anything a man does often will likely have a Transition Ritual.  All men have a “get home from work” ritual, which consists of three things.  First, he will do some sort of Unloading.  For example, he may put his keys down, empty his pockets of change, put his computer bag in the same spot, etc.  Second, there will be a Change of Clothes.  He will take off his work clothes and change into something comfortable.  Some men even wear the same thing every night.  It makes them feel comfortable and at home.  Lastly, he will take part in Chill Out Time.  He may channel surf, look at a magazine, play video games, or spend time on the Internet.  He will probably do something he is interested in but doesn’t require his intense focus.  Until he has had time to complete his ritual, he can’t hear you.  It is like he isn’t even home.  Consider him home but not present.  This part is incredibly challenging for us.  We want to talk about our day the minute we see him.  The problem is, he isn’t available yet.  If we do talk about our day when he is transitioning, he usually cannot remember what we told him and will often become grumpy.  I can’t tell you how many times I have said to my husband Mort, “Why are you in such a bad mood?  I am the one who had a bad day!”  Then it hits me. Oops! He did not get his transition time.  If he has had time to transition, I get a totally different man.  I get a man who is present, patient, and totally open to listening.  How do you know if he has transitioned?  He will make eye contact or engage in conversation.  

I have found this increasingly challenging with young children around the house.  I have to fight the urge to throw the parental duties at him right away.  Sometimes, I will be bathing both of our daughters and he will walk right past us barely saying hello.  I think all sorts of expletives as I hunch over, washing the screaming children, tired from my day.  Then, I remember – Transition Time!  It has nothing to do with us, it is not against us or instead of us, it is before us.  He needs to do this in order to be with us and be my partner as a parent.  

Regardless of what kind of day I have had, it never serves me well to interrupt his transition.  When he has had time to transition, I get a partner for our children.  He jumps right in and helps do everything right up until they lay their heads down for the night.   

If you are not sure what his transition ritual is, watch for a couple of days.  It will probably become clear very quickly.  Once you know his transition ritual, let him have that time.  You will get a man who is patient, kind, and ready to be with you! 

Also, make sure to watch for Transition Rituals at work.  Many men will do the same thing everyday when they get to the office.  Respect his “getting to work ritual” and wait to approach him until he finishes.  

Lastly, if you work in a very focused or masculine environment, think about creating a transition ritual for yourself.  What would make you ready to be present with your loved ones?  Call a friend who lifts your spirits, take deep breaths, meditate, or listen to music.  Just a few minutes to yourself can recharge your batteries and have you ready to be with those you treasure the most.  

Until then,

 
Susan Jensen

Workshop Leader, PAX Programs

 ~~~

I know, it is almost scary how Susan can predict exactly what my husband will do without even meeting him!  Back in a bit!